All this week I've been struggling and debating. I had been invited to spend time with family up at my Grandpa's cabin. It's a beautiful place and I have many happy memories there, but like many other things that wouldn't normal be hard, it was hard to decide to go. I knew it would be difficult to be away from the comfort and safety familiar of home; even though I would be around people who loved me. I had worked myself up to deciding that I would be up to staying for one night. So when the aunt who was going to be my ride said she was going for two nights, I almost chickened out. But I put on "my big girl panties" and said I would go. I knew that if after one I really wasn't up for it, I could plead with her to take me back home. But luckily it wasn't needed. I was able to spend two nights.
Not sure how I would fill the time, since I wouldn't have internet or TV, I packed a bag filled with "what-ifs". What if I feel like working on a diamond painting, what if I feel like reading a book, what if I feel like... I tried to prepare as best I could. I didn't end up needing them and instead helped with other projects and also was invited to come along for a evening of kayaking that ended at sunset.
My biggest struggle was not something new, but something I was aware of. Many years ago I encouraged my sweet husband to take a trip to visit family. It was the first time in over a decade of marriage that I had ever been home alone. We had previously only spent a handful of evenings apart and all of them was when I had been away on quick business trips. I quickly learned that I was not a fan of being home alone, and especially not a fan of silence. While he was gone, I always had the TV or music of some kind on. Neither one of us tolerated being apart and he convinced his friend to come home earlier than planned. While I don't know if I'd go as far as to call it a phobia, the fear of silence is called "sedatephobia". It's something that has been a extra challenging since he passed away. Day and night, I try to have something playing to fill the silence. At the cabin, there was occasional quiet, but there wasn't a lot of silence during the day. However nights were more challenging. I had tried to be prepared, and I had a few things that helped, but I think next time I would do or bring more to help me sleep.
But, end result... I did a thing that most would consider easy, but was hard for me. I did find myself smiling and laughing on occasion, which is another random thing that shouldn't be hard, but is. However, I'm tired and looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight.
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