I came across this quote recently and placed it in a place where I would see it often. When Chris was diagnosed with myeloma I remember crying fairly frequently. Not usually while at the hospital, but in the quiet moments of the car when I was alone driving to or from work, or also in the shower. Partially I think the tears were from exhaustion, 2017 was a long, tough year. But they also were for the realization that our lives were forever changed. I wasn't intentionally hiding it from Chris, and can only imagine that he often cried frequently as well. However in the years that followed, tears were much less common. Even in what ended up being the last few months of his life I cried, but not as often as one might think. However, that all changed the day he died. Tears have been plentiful, frequent and often unexpected. Usually they are just simple tears, but often they are deeper than that and I've often found myself weeping or sobbing. He hated to see me cry and would always be so quick to comfort me. I'm sure when he looks down on me and see's me crying, its agonizing for him to not be able to be here to comfort me or wipe them away. Perhaps sometimes he is able, and I just haven't been able to figure out how to sense that. I know he wouldn't want me to be so sad, and frankly I don't want to be. But his separation has left such a gaping hole in my life and heart. It's painful, it hurts and I'm sad. And it's OK.
The quote serves as a reminder that, crying is a big part of grieving. A necessary part of healing. Being separated from those you love is devastatingly painful and incredibly sad. I don't think anyone can ever be ready. When that separation comes earlier in your life than you could have ever imagined, in what should have been the prime days of your life, it's even more profound of a loss. The years I must now spend without him stretch out ahead of me feel terrifying and lonely. So it's very comforting to know that even the Savior who understands more than I can possibly comprehend, who knows the bigger plan, who has the ability raise the dead. Even he wept.
So while I've shed countless tears nearly daily for the past four months, I've also been very grateful. Grateful for the moments of peace, grateful for the sweet friends and family who reach out to me in my times of sadness. Grateful that this is not the end.
While sometimes I struggle in my confidence and understanding of what comes next, I do believe that I will be reunited with my sweetheart again. That we really were sealed together for eternity. I do believe that he is free of pain. I anxiously for the day when we will be reunited.
This year Easter is more profound than in years past. The importance of a Savior who came to this world and suffered beyond anything we can comprehend so that we can all experience a joy beyond measure is such a gift.
I was not there in the garden all those years ago. I can't imagine the guilt the apostles likely felt when the learned of his suffering and knew that he had asked them to be with them. I was not his mother standing at the foot of the cross watching him die. But I can imagine their pain. I believe that I was lovingly separated from my husband in his final moments and spared the agony of watching him die. I did watch my sweet husband suffer greatly, for years. The pain that my husband endured because of his love for me was immense, and truly humbling. In those times I often would find comfort that even though I couldn't imagine what he was feeling, that there was one who could. Now in the agony of our separation I seek peace from one who understands.
Thank you for sharing ♡♡♡
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