Many years ago we wanted a weekend getaway and stayed somewhere at a local hotel. We happened to catch a TV show called Baggage which we talked about it on occasion ever since. It was kind of a cross between Deal or No Deal and well, most dating games. It was hosted by Jerry Springer and apparently ran for 3 seasons. Three potential dates would arrive, each with three different suitcases. Each round they would open one and inside reveal their "baggage". Each round someone would be eliminated and then in the next round a larger bag would be opened showing even more shocking insights. After the third round the potential dater selected the person they would want to go on a date with. However before that would happen, they had to open a case of their own. They then must decide if they want to go on a date together.
Here's a few of the things that were in people's bags... (the cleaner ones)
- I poisoned my boyfriend
- I eat whole sticks of butter
- I cry every day
- I've never been wrong
- I have 15 living cats and 30 dead ones in my home
- I steal flowers from gravesites
- I've been engaged 10 times
- I am a cult leader
- I have a fascination with roadkill
- I practice witchcraft
The more I think about it, it's pretty much like dating as an middle age or older adult, just more up front and blunt about it. Because by the time you've reached middle age, you very likely have developed some weird habits, stories or quirks. Or in my case, been through some seriously difficult things and struggle just to make it through each day. The phrase "I am Newly Widowed" carries with it a lot of other implied baggage, likely way to numerous to count and often really random. Such as "I regularly ask people about their funeral plans" or "I cry whenever I get in my car" or "I struggle making simple decisions" or "I'm working on writing my own obituary" or "I hide special boxes of cereal in my closet" or "I don't like quiet" or ... well... too many to count.
Recently at work they have been doing some shuffling. A LOT of shuffling. In the past 3 years I've had about seven different managers. Which has been challenging, especially with everything going on with my personal life. Difficult to know who to ask what questions and just who is responsible for what. However with the most recent change, I've been grateful to join a team of people who are working on the same things as me. People who I am hoping to learn from as well as also helpfully share some of my knowledge. Recently, my new boss set up a meeting to allow us to get to know each other. We started the meeting by introducing ourselves. I kept it to just my work experience and enjoyed getting to know each other a bit better. Then near the end of the meeting one of my new co-workers asked "What do you do for fun?" My brain inwardly cursed and then went blank, until I finally replied, struggling unsuccessfully not to cry... "Well, I'm a fairly recent widow and honestly am trying to figure that out. The things that I used to do for fun aren't fun anymore and I haven't figured out what is." I'm sure that's not the answer she was expecting. I tried to lighten the mood by saying I like to sleep, or try to sleep for fun as well, to which everyone agreed that they also liked to sleep. It sure did end the meeting on a bit of a somber note, but at least it's out in the open and they can choose to talk about it or not.
So while it's not displayed in fancy cases like in the game show, I've thought a lot about my baggage. I carry it around with me everywhere I go, and struggle with what to do with it. But I've hired a professional "baggage handler" who is helping me unpack, evaluate and process my things. Hopefully compressing them in the process. It's not a simple process, but I'm working through it. I don't know for how long one is considered a "new" widow. It likely isn't a defined passage of time, but instead when you finally reach a better place mentally. It will take time, but I'll get there.
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