Whew... the past few weeks have been, well... lame. I thought that if I could get through the 6 month mark that for a little while the waves of grief would be calmer. But instead I feel like I suffered an emotional hangover and was taken out to sea to be tossed around a bit. Losing any progress I may have made. I've found myself incredibly grumpy over the stupidest things, especially emotional, and most days after finishing up work I question..."Is it too early to go to bed?" Not that going to bed solves things. Going to sleep and waking up are still some of the most difficult times of the day. Those feelings of sadness, anxiety and nausea while familiar, are not comforting. But finally this week somehow I've escaped the undertow and started the swim back to shore.
Meeting with my therapist this week was helpful, although when she said "You are still so early in grief" it was hard to hear and accompanied by a sinking feeling. There is still so much to go. :( As a person who has always been a "solver" and strives to make things better, I asked for direction about what I should do. I've often heard the term "grief work" and hoped she would have some profound advice. She instead said there's not a list of tasks to complete, instead "grief takes time." I guess I need to just keep hanging in there. While just working and surviving each day might not sound much like a triumph, it is and I need to be patient with myself. Reading quotes from Star Wars today has helped me feel connected to my sweetheart and if he were alive would for sure have lead to some fun and interesting conversations. Oh how he loved so many things, especially Star Wars. I think he would agree that with all of the difficulties we've overcome, that passing the test to be called a human and not a Jedi... that's not cool. Being a Jedi with a light saber would be so much better.
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