This week turned out to be tougher than I expected. I thought if I survived the difficult weekend then I shouldn't have any super difficult days for a while. I was wrong. On Wednesday this week I woke up tearful for no reason and struggled unsuccessfully to hold it together. I was grateful that I didn't have any work meetings to attend. I did however have a session with my therapist. We were going to get started with EMDR (a type of therapy to help heal from trauma and emotional distress), but instead just laid the groundwork so that we can get started next session. Even without, I came out feeling completely exhausted. Crying as I was trying to complete my work day, my sweet roommate could hear me and came in to check on me and give me a hug. As well, two sweet friends reached out that day to check on me and were compassionate and understanding of my difficult day. I'm grateful for their continued friendship. Acknowledging that while they have sorrow when they think about him, it is in moments here and there, and that I face sorrow "every day and every moment." I definitely missed my sweetheart this week, oh how I wish he were still here.
I did somehow survive the week. I was completely worn out on Friday but somehow managed to have a somewhat productive Saturday. But today I'm still tired and not really up for anything super reflective. So instead I'm writing about about soda pop. One of the things I did this weekend was to list the tall stash of Diet Dr Pepper that has been sitting in my garage since I stocked up on it just before he passed away. It became his beverage of choice when all of the steroids and other meds caused issues with his blood sugar. It was a way to help wash down all of those nasty tasting pills, of which there we many. Someone picked up the soda and I spent time working in the yard. When it started to rain I laid down in bed and listened to the storm, something we loved doing together whenever we could. We always said that when it rained it was because he was being good. As anyone living here will attest he's been being good a lot lately. The day ended with a surprise visit from my parents and we were able to sit out in the backyard and enjoy the cool summer evening.
One thing I love about us as a couple is how we always loved to do and find things to make the other smile. One such way was that he loved soda. When we were dating I asked him what his favorite soda was. Then always made sure to pack Cherry Pepsi whenever we would go on a picnic. For most of our early marriage he loved Mountain Dew. So when they started introducing limited edition flavors (as early as 2001 with Code Red and then 2003 with Live Wire I believe) whenever ever I would shop at the store and see a new flavor I was always excited to get it for him. However my plans were completely derailed in 2009 when he broke the news that he was giving it up. Cold turkey. He knew it wasn't good for his teeth. I knew it was a difficult decision for him, so I supported him. But I wasn't prepared for how difficult it would be for me. Still to this day, even with him gone, I still see a new flavor and immediately think "Oooh! I need to get that for... oh wait... never mind".
Later in our marriage I was able to find a unique soda which he loved. It was a bit more expensive and harder to find so I always saved it for special occasions. It was discontinued years ago and so the last four pack of cans that I found were something to be treasured. I can't recall the event that we were celebrating or if it was just a day where he was feeling extra down or sick. It actually could have been both as it was probably celebrating something with chemo and the ginger would have been calming to his stomach. When I pulled out of the fridge an ice cold 1893 Ginger Cola and placed it before him, the look on his eyes and the smile on his face were of sheer joy. He would often be frustrated at my desire to save things for special occasions, but being able to surprise him with a rare treat was something I loved to do to bring a smile to his face. Goodness it was a tough balance, in hindsight I wish I could have spoiled him with every little thing his heart desired during those difficult days. But I did the best I could. The one remaining can was safely tucked away for another such day. But I waited too long and the opportunity passed. Now it sits on my desk as a reminder to try to find joy in simple things, but to not always be saving everything for a special occasion.
So while it may be something as simple as soda, it actually does mean something much more. With each passing day, I'm afraid of forgetting the million little things about him and our life together. Slowly little bit by little bit, my life is changing from one that we shared together, to one with me alone without him. I'm grateful for the people who check in on me and are doing their best to help me fill the void, but dang the void he left behind is immense. And no... that isn't a fat joke (inside joke for those who knew him). He had a huge heart, full of love.
I guess if my brain still struggles to give up mountain dew, then I've got time to document my memories so that when they do start to slip away, I've got a place to go to refresh them.
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