This week I struggled to get through the week of work. I arranged to take a day off in the middle of the week which was helpful. However, I didn't sleep all well all week and I've been grumpy and tired. The difficulty of awaking to a pounding heart and overwhelming loneliness, which had seemed to lessen for a time, decided to make a return appearance. I felt like I was crawling across the finish line come Friday.
In what ended up being the last weeks of his life, there was this difficult balance between talking about what had happened during those two difficult months in the hospital and trying to move forward. He remembered bits and pieces, and I remembered everything. He had come so close to dying... twice, that I wanted to get a bit further back from that edge before talking about it more. We did talk briefly about his desires for his funeral while in the rehab hospital, but tried to avoid the subject of just how close it had come. Despite all that he had gone through, I remember him saying on multiple occasions how this wasn't fair for me and that I deserved better. I disagreed each time with him and told him how much I loved him and would do anything for him. He was the one who had been stuck in a bed for nearly two months with all sorts of tubes, if it wasn't fair for anyone, it clearly was not fair for him. Yes, life was difficult and had been for nearly a decade, but it was possible because we were doing it together. So very grateful that we were still together, but with a sinking feeling that that the Christmas season could be his last, I wanted to make it as memorable as possible. Little did I know that despite feeling like we were out of the woods for a short bit of time, he wouldn't even make it to Christmas. It was memorable for sure, but not in a good way. Life without him... now that isn't fair.
This weekend I had a good friend come visit. I'm still in a survival mode of taking things day by day but I told her my concerns about the coming months. I've been through some difficult days, but I think the worst are still yet to come. Because just like cancer, the difficult days are intertwined with what were once happy days. His birthday now intertwined with memories of 911 calls, air ambulance rides and ICU. Our anniversary now mixed with difficult conversations with Dr Sborov, impossible decisions and life saving chemo. Not to mention Christmas. It used to be our favorite time of year. We loved it so much we would usually decorate on Halloween and leave up until Valentines. It now looms in the distance like a freight train, threatening to run me over. An entire season of difficult days. Christmas on a Monday has been my favorite because it puts Christmas Eve on a Sunday and expands the holiday festivities into two days. Wouldn't you know, this year Christmas is on a Monday. Uggg.... We tried to think of what I could do or where I could go, but came up empty.
I'm normally am an optimist and a problem solver, but lately I find myself grumpy and irritable. Stupid things bother me and then it bothers me that stupid things bother me. I look at my life and myself and I don't recognize me.
I'm tired. The numbness has worn off and without that buffer it's more painful and exhausting. This quote I found is correct, grief is so long and complicated, and yet there is so much more to go.
I've always tried to end on a positive note in my blogs and I thought about just skipping this week. But one day hopefully I'll look back and see how far I've come. Maybe one day I'll have figured out how to rest my mind and let it heal. But for this weekend it was a Saturday AND Sunday nap.
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