Years ago when I was in high school I was having a particularly rough day, I was very worried about something that was well beyond my control. Struggling through the day at school, just trying to make it. Walking from one class to another, a classmate asked me a question he had asked me several times before. "How are you?" Amidst all my worries I thought for a moment and replied "Are you asking because you really want to know or are you just asking to be nice?" He was taken aback and said "I guess I'm asking because I really want to know." I told him about what was on my mind and he listened. Our relationship changed that day, after that we were friends often chatting on the way to class.
I've thought a lot about that question a lot since then and my answer. It's so easy to just say "Fine" and go about our day, but how often do we feel "fine". So why do we lie about it? I've found that when life gets tough, it's one of the most difficult questions to answer. Not only because I have to do a quick assessment of if the person asking really wants to know, but then a moment of reflection to find an honest answer. I'm very fortunate to have numerous people in my life that when they ask, I know they are asking because they want to know. But the next part is tough, so tough. It's tough to look inside and see what's there. Am I tired, sad, lonely, discouraged, overwhelmed, afraid...?
My friend who was here last week introduced me to one of her friends who lived nearby. In just a brief introduction, that friend recommended a podcast/book by Nora McInerny. Her key phrase is "Terrible, Thanks for Asking". Nora had a miscarriage, lost her father and husband from a brain tumor all within a couple months. Holy crap, that's a lot of heavy things all at once. In addition to her book, and podcasts she also has founded a group called the Hot Young Widows Club. When I looked her up, I had recognized her from one of her video's on YouTube. She's honest but also has a great sense of humor. Here's one of the videos I watched if you are interested.
In a world with a broken healthcare system, emotional health is one area that is especially broken. It's a subject not frequently talked about and often ignored. Sadly, even at a top notch cancer hospital. We were often referred to numerous other specialists and would occasionally interact with social workers, but we must have appeared "fine" enough that no one ever suggested that we both would benefit from finding someone to help cope with cancer and its trauma filled experiences . I don't blame the hospital, or his amazing team. I can't imagine the intense stress and emotional trauma that they themselves go through. They likely don't have the support they need either. It's just part of a much bigger, complicated problem. One that is compounded by the fact that there is a stigma associated with mental health. One of my aunts shared this video which I've watched a few times. We are taught at a young age to take care ourselves physically, but not our mental health.
The loss of a spouse is considered the most stressful life event a person can experience. On a scale of 1-100, it's a 100. Yup, I agree. It sucks! After years of dedicating my life helping my sweetheart, that abruptly ended and my life shifted. Much of my life is the same, I live in the same house, have the same friends, work at the same place. But everything is different and it comes with a pile of emotions to sift through. I'm the only one who can make it a priority to take care of me. While I worry about how I'll survive in multiple ways, one obvious one I knew of immediately was emotionally. I started looking at reviews and requesting to be added to waiting lists to get some professional help. No surprise, it took months. I've met with her a few times, each time we talk I've come away feeling a tiny bit better, although overwhelmed with things that I think I need to process in order to move forward. Unfortunately she herself going through something and she's had to cancel half of my appointments last minute. Ugg...I'm tired of life being tough...it's exhausting. But each day I survive brings me one day closer to being reunited with the soulmate.
A sweet cousin of mine sent me a card and said that she also dreaded the question. "How are you?" When struggling with depression, she found it impossible to answer. Her card instead said "How is your heart today?" A question that seeks to find those feelings below the surface in a way that says "I'm asking because I want to know, because I care."
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