A Time to Love

    Years ago when my husband was "only" battling a brain tumor, I had the great opportunity to have my best friend since fifth grade come visit.   We hadn't seen each other in years, and life had kept both of us pretty busy.   We were excited to be together, but I was a bit nervous about if things would be different.  We had both married and she had children, I had been spending the past few years navigating the health care system helping my husband and balancing a full time job.   We weren't the same people that we were in elementary school and I worried that we would have enough to talk about or enough interests still in common.   But those worries were unfounded and our week together was memorable and fun, just like the old days.   It was a great reprieve from the difficulties of life and something I looked back fondly on when things got worse... much worse.   

     Fast forward seven years.   It feels as if a lifetime has passed since then.   Cancer certainty has changed me and widowhood is kicking my butt.   I've been nervous and anxious about how to get through my birthday without my sweetheart.  Agonizing on what I could do and who I could reach out to help me through it.   So it was an answer to prayers when my sweet friend Leah asked if she could come visit for my birthday.   She tenderly asked in a way that I could easily tell her I wasn't up for it, but I quickly replied.   "That would  be amazing!"  On days when I would struggle with knowing what to do that evening or that weekend, I often thought ahead just a little bit further to an entire week where there would be someone with me to help me fill my time and my brain could have a much needed break from work.   I am so grateful to her sweet husband who also took time off work, and her boys who missed their mother while she was here.   It was a sacrifice for them I'm sure, but it was a huge blessing for me.   

     The week of her visit finally arrived this week.   Another friend helped me pick her up at the airport.   Her visit has been just what I needed.   She was completely accepting of me and my random questions and frequent tears.  Coming up with things that she thought I might do, but also understanding that I just preferred to stay in my pajamas and not leave the house.  Suggesting things to eat, but understanding when I offered her oatmeal.   We did adventure out into the world with some family to a beautiful place of peace.   I introduced her to cookie butter and she enjoyed baking treats to offer to guests that we thought might stop by on my birthday.   One night she even made pizza man.   (Not an attempt at a replacement for the husband I love and miss, but an Italian twist on a Japanese steamed bun).

    My birthday arrived and I still wasn't sure what I wanted to do.  She sat with me on the couch, talking about life (and death).   People sent cards, stopped by or messaged that they were thinking about me.  Each one often brought a smile.... and tears.  One side of my broken heart was filled with gratitude and love.   I have been so very blessed with such thoughtful people.    The other side of my heart however was like a bratty kid who didn't get what they wanted for Christmas and decided to throw a tantrum.   I miss my sweet husband everyday, but that loss feels more profound on holidays.   So unlike a typically birthday filled with balloons and cake my day was filled with smiles and laughter but also tears and sorrow.    We finished the evening by venturing out of the house yet again and spending the time hanging out with my brother and his sweet family.   Returning home she glanced over at the me on the couch to find tears streaming down my face yet again.   She didn't chastise me or make me feel guilty, she simply... loved...

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True friends aren't the ones who make your problems disappear. 
They are the ones who won't disappear when facing your problem.

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     I recently read a meme that explained that it is called the month of May because...

 it may snow

 it may rain

 it may be 70 degrees

or it may be 20 degree's

    Navigating grief is much the same.  While there may be seasons of healing, weeping,  laughing or mourning, often times these seasons all occur on the same day.  Sometimes the same hour and often share the same memories and moments.  It's difficult to know how to dress for the weather, just as it is tough to know how to "weather" the emotions.