Simply Be

     Early in this journey I found one thing that was helpful.   Structure.   For the past eight months this blog has been an important structure.   It's helped me to have something to ponder throughout the week and complete each Sunday.   But as I've thought about it over the past several weeks, I've realized that that has changed.  Constantly thinking about, evaluating and trying to articulate my thoughts takes a lot of mental and emotional energy.   I still plan to write, but I'm taking a step back.   I've finally reached a point where the weekend is not as terrifying and difficult as it once was.  It's still time to fill but I've slowly been working on things around the house and trying to find things to recharge.   Throughout our marriage, Chris would always tell me that I wasn't good at relaxing, he was right.   But that was because there were so many things that needed to be done.   Now I've got all the time in the world and much less that must be done.    I'd give anything to just be snuggling with him attempting to watch a movie and failing by falling asleep.   But it sadly cannot be.   So for my weekends, nothing is changing drastically.  Most people won't think anything has changed, but I'm shifting focus to spend the time focusing on whatever helps me recharge in the moment.    

     Earlier this year my aunt Kim shared with her a meditation that had helped her.   My sweetheart and I had tried years ago to try meditating together at night, we searched for quite some time before finding one that we really liked and then we meditated together holding hands at the end of the day for a long time.   It was amazing to me that of all of countless possible options she connected, the one she was suggesting was the exact same one, from the exact same narrator.   It's called Simply Be by Scott  Langston.   While the sweet and tender memories of meditating at the end of the day while holding his hand are still too difficult to listen to it, the words often come to mind.   

     Take a moment to stop doing and simply be. 

     Take a moment to stop thinking and simply be.  

     Take a moment to stop worrying and simply be.  

     Take a moment to stop planning and simply be.  

    

     Grief is a very difficult journey. It's confusing.  It's unpredictable.  It's individual.  It's exhausting.  It's inherently lonely.  With the loss of my sweetheart, I lost the person that I could talk to about anything and everything. In our unique case the one I lost the one who was with me 24/7 for nearly two and a half years, and as much as possible before that.   We've been through good times and impossibly difficult and trying times.   We were truly "one".  Having lost that, I'm doing my best at reaching out and trying to connect with others and letting people in.   It's not easy, but I know it's important so I'm trying.   However I've been blessed with some good friends and family who love me, I'm grateful for them.  But it went from my soulmate with me 100% of the time, to likely a single digit number at best spread between several different people.   Those people see a small part of my life and trying to be open and vulnerable with multiple people is hard.   I'm learning the people who can sit with me in my grief and the journey of trying to discover a new me; without trying to fix me.  It's not easy, I know people want to help, but sadly sometimes the things they do to help makes things harder.   Last week our friend Steve came over.   Knowing it had been Chris's birthday, he asked how the week had been and how I was doing.   I tried to keep it light, but as soon as the words came out I knew that it wasn't what he was looking for.  He knows just how difficult those milestone days can be and was there to support.   We then proceeded to have a good and heartfelt discussion.    I shared with him another visit with a friend of Chris's and how lucky I was that Chris had such great friends who are watching out for me in his absence and I consider them my friends.   I was also blessed with other friends who came and listened, family who did things to let me know they were thinking of him...me...us, and some who had text conversations with me, helping me to get things off my mind.    

  Just as there are thousands of different recipes for bread, the same can be said for grief.   There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no set amount of time that it should take.    Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own pace. Talking with my therapist this week she said much the same, something that she has said multiple times.  "Grief takes time, and cannot be rushed.  Regardless of what you or others may wish."  I've accepted that.  

     So since the rest of the year seems daunting, I'm going to do my best to stop doing, thinking, worrying and planning and focus on simply being.  Whatever that looks like.   Our life has been anything but simple for the past 10 years, and quiet evenings and weekends to "simply be" feels like what I need to heal.    Maybe that will mean inviting a friend over, or watching TV, sitting outside, perhaps even reading a book.   I'm sure I'll still write, as writing is therapeutic for me.   But for now it might be nightly in my journal with the occasional blog.   Chris if he were here, would be proud.   He would be happy that I'm taking care of me.   

     As well, while therapy has been helpful for me, I've also decided to take a break from that as well.  I skipped a session a month ago, which is what helped me to realize a break might be good.   I've worried about the decision but when I suggested that I was considering it, it was great to hear her say "I Get That, I Like That."    Talking with her this week said she 100% supports my decision.   She also said she completely trusts me and my intuition.   That was very reassuring as it's so easy to second guess myself, especially when others think they know what's best for me.     She then proceeded to tell me that having the ability to acknowledge that I need a break is a healthy sign.  If I feel like I need a session one week I can call and ask what slots are available.   She said she would even stay late if needed.   Perhaps I'll start up again in the future to work through some of the difficult things that I've been carrying, but for now I'm just going to set them down and do my best to "simply be."