My Sunshine

      I've decided to take a break from thinking and writing so deeply about grief.     It's hard enough to live through it without constantly trying to evaluate how you are doing.    Writing has been helpful, but  takes a lot of work.   So instead today I thought I'd share a memory.  

     In 2017 we spent the first time in an ICU when we finally were able to get help for his airway.   It was a insanely difficult and we're lucky he survived.   While he pleaded with me prior to the first surgery to not allow them to place a trach, in order to be able to leave the ICU it ended up being necessary.   When the doctors told me that was the next step I was worried how he would take it.   But he had learned that being intubated, restrained and on a ventilator was worse.   They told him he likely would not be able to speak and the though of never hearing his voice again was hard.   But he proved them wrong and taught himself to speak.   It was a lot of work and often wore him out.   

       Sleeping through a plastic piece in your throat and on a ventilator at night, we spent most (if not all) of the summer sleeping on our couch.    As we would go to bed at night, he one day started singing to me as we would go to bed.   

You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know, dear
How much I love you
Please don't take
My sunshine away

 

    He would often change the lyrics up, my favorite one being "You'll never know dear, how much I love you, because I'll tell you everyday."   He was a sweet and tender man, who was never afraid to show his love.   Those who would spend time around us were witness to it as well, some would roll their eyes and complain that we still acted like newlyweds.   It brought tears to my eyes this week when my aunt Roxann talked about our love this week it reminded me of a card she sent us on our 20th anniversary.   She said "I admire both of you so much and I think you have a wonderful loving relationship.   You each strive to do all you can for each other, you are very selfless.   If I had been able to find someone to marry I would have hoped to have the kind of love you have."

     Looking up the lyrics today I discovered there is a second verse.      

The other night, dear

As I lay sleeping

I dreamed I held you

In my arms

When I awoke, dear

I was mistaken

So I hung my head and I cried

I miss my sunshine...