As slowly the numbness that helped me get through these past difficult weeks, I feel there's been some agonizingly sad moments. The most difficult moments each day seem to most often be first thing in the morning. That moment where I wake up and realize it wasn't just a bad dream. Probably a bit like the movie Groundhog's Day. I think they are extra challenging, because sometimes they were often some of the best times of the day.
Two and a half years ago when my job changed to work from home, mornings became a bit more magical. Since I didn't always have a specific time I had to be to work, sometimes I could stay in bed for just a little bit longer. We once heard these lyrics one day many many years ago and they resonated with us "If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?" Occasionally there was a golden moment in the morning, where I would be only half awake for an hour or two. Awake enough to snuggle up next to my sweetheart, but not enough awake that my brain was thinking about all the things that needed to be done. Thoughts of chemo, medications, appointments, errands, work, dinner... were held at bay. It didn't happen every morning, but when it did it was bliss. He would usually softly ask, often multiple times, for "five more minutes" and when possible I of course would be happy to comply. These mornings were magical and very recharging for our souls.
One morning the week our lives changed forever, I woke up much earlier than normal. I carefully snuggled up next to him in hopes of falling asleep for a couple more precious hours of sleep, hoping not to disturb him. However, I was unsuccessful and he woke up. I apologized for waking him and he gently replied with something like "Never apologize for waking me up to snuggle. There is no better way to wake up." Little did I know that just a few days later, he would be gone.
I find I deeply am mourning the loss of those magic mornings.
Now each morning, the first thing I often feel when I wake up is this indescribable feeling in my heart. A horrible ache as my heart reminds me of what once was. A reminder that it's trying to recover.
In the past week my mind has played cruel tricks on me. One morning I thought I heard him quietly walking around in the bedroom getting ready to come back to bed. Today I woke up and thought his hand was on my back. It's hard to get up and face the world as it is, but extra challenging to do so on morning where your mind is playing tricks on you.
The movie Groundhog's day ends when Phil finds finds love. Ugg... let's hope that's not the solution for my difficult mornings. Because that sounds terrifying...
For another interesting read.
The lyrics above are from a Snow Patrol Song called Chasing Cars
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