Difficult Days

     When my sweetheart was diagnosed with a rare airway disorder called tracheal stenosis I joined a Facebook support group filled amazing people who knew the same struggles that we were facing.   When he was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, I joined several more.   So, a couple weeks after he passed I thought that joining a support group for young widows was a good idea.   The first group I joined was terrifying and not a good fit.  There are some very heartbreaking stories of how people have lost their loved one, and it was just too much for my already broken heart.   It did help me deeply appreciate several things, especially my faith.   I'm so grateful that I know that I will see my sweetheart again.   Death is just temporary and one day we will be together again.   But for those without that belief or knowledge, death is even more agonizingly painful.  Don't get me wrong, its agonizingly painful even with that knowledge but I at least feel like I have hope.   

     I joined a second group for those that shared my beliefs, hoping for a better fit.   But found that group was much more focused on finding their "second chapter."   Definitely not on my radar at this point in time, who knows if it will ever be.   My husband is the only man I've ever kissed and my heart is content to leave it that way.   I recently came across a journal entry from my sweet husband that said "I never want her to be alone. Ever. I hope I can visit when I am gone."  Me too my love, me too!   But unfortunately I've spent more time alone in the past 2 1/2 months than ever in my entire life.   I'm grateful for the young woman who is staying with me, but she's not always here and even when she's here it's obviously not the same as my previous roommate of twenty two years.  

     I've learned that sometimes it's good to be alone with my tears, but other times the silence is suffocating.   I've tried to find YouTube playlists to help cover the silence, with only mild success.  I probably should just create one of my own as there are often songs that can take me from functioning just fine to tears in a matter of moments.    One in particular is a Disney piano list, which is relatively safe but whenever this song from Toy Story comes on, I have to quickly skip it... 

When somebody loved me

Everything was beautiful

Every hour spent together

Lives within my heart

And when she was sad

I was there to dry her tears...

Just she and I together

Like it was meant to be

     How I wish that he was here to dry my tears.   I am very grateful for the numerous other family and friends who love me, but life is just not the same without him.  One thing that I recall from one of the groups was a discussion about how long does life and grief feel overwhelming hard.    Many people said the first year was the hardest.  That seems logical to me.   But, I've learned already that grief is anything but logical.  There have been days where I feel like I'm doing OK, only to be blindsided by something unexpected that shows me otherwise.   When my husbands team made it to the playoff's, numerous people reached out to me letting them know they were thinking of me/us and that they were sure he was in heaven celebrating.   An outpouring of love, should be good,  right?  Illogically I sobbed, tears streamed down my face and soaked my chest.      When his team WON the Super Bowl, same thing, but at least time I anticipated my reaction.   I'm so grateful for everyone who is reaching out in love, it just is crazy that it accompanied with such tears of profound sadness.   Describing it to one of my aunts, she perfectly described it.  Bittersweet.   Grateful to be loved, but wishing to be celebrating with the one I love.  You know that baking chocolate that you found in the fridge as a kid and thought you would  eat.   Yup, a lot like that.   It needs to be mixed with other ingredients to make it palatable, I just haven't figured out what those ingredients are.   

     In the discussion of how overwhelming, several also talked about how the second year was even harder.  Ugg... yet another thing I don't want to think about, but have come across more than once.   I'm still in the "surviving a day at a time phase" but trying occasionally to be prepared for difficult days by looking ahead.   When visualizing the coming year the thought of "landmine days" came to mind.   So when I came across a blog called Refuge in Grief that had this map I really liked it and it gave me more to think about.   I definitely relate to the mountain of tissues and waterfall of tears.   I think if I were drawing it, there would definitely be more than two landmines.   

 

     

     I've recently survived two of my "landmine days"  the Super Bowl and Valentine's Day, but having the two together was just too much.   The emotional strain manifested in a physical way with debilitating ocular migraines.    I grateful that somehow survived that week and this week as well, but this weekend I've just felt extra broken.   I've never been the best at asking for help, but it's even more difficult to reach out asking for help when I have no clue what, if anything could help me.  I've spent the weekend in my pajamas on the couch.  I've sat on the floor of the shower with water and tears streaming down my face.   I've prayed.   I've tried to study and learn and read things to find comfort.   I've felt broken.  But tomorrow is a new day.   Wish me luck.