The Year My Brain Broke

      One thing about my sweetheart that I love was how much he always protected and respected me.   When we were dating, he learned that swearing really bothered me.   I don't think he used curse words often before he met me, but out of respect he not only avoided them but also expected the same of his friends.    If he was gaming with friends or family, he always asked them to be mindful of their language.  He became super sensitive to it as well and would often hear swear words in songs or movies more than I would and would turn them off.   

     One memorable day before we started dating I was working temporarily at a theater about thirty miles away.   I wasn't working the next day but had left something there that I shouldn't have.   It had been a tough week and if I recall I had been pulled over because my car had lights that would turn off whenever you turned on the turn signal.   When I stopped at the theater back home, he was working and offered to drive me back out to retrieve the item.  I took him up on the offer and we drove back out.   On the way back home I was venting about the week I had had and was appalled when "It's been one &%$ of a week."  I immediately freaked out which brought it even more to attention.   I believe he thought it was super cute and it made him fall in love with me even more.    Also during that trip he also asked me if he was too blunt in asking me out.   His request to go see Muppets from Space at a competing theater had seemed strange but since we had had a conversation when we first met about how we would never date co-workers I wasn't sure what to think.   I had replied "No thank-you, that movie looks dumb."   Oh my, how I miss those days of our early relationship when life was simpler.

      Then last year happened.   I can't recall when, but in the thick of our trials when things were impossibly difficult, my brain broke.   Curse words became the first that come to mind.   I still don't like swear words, but when people would ask how things were going, I have to carefully watch my tongue so that that the words in my head wouldn't slip out.  It started out as just an occasional thought.      Then in one moment, when two people kneeled in front of me and told me the horrible news that I never wanted to hear, not only did my heart break but my brain cracked a bit more.   Now it thinks swear words on a regular basis and I hate it.   It's not me.   

       I'm also going to allow myself some grace and recognize it's a reaction to what I've been through.  

     "Grief Brain affects your memory, concentration, and cognition. Your brain is focused on the feelings and symptoms of grief which leaves little room for your everyday tasks."       Tensie Holland

    Now here I sit on the other side of the year that broke my brain, and the moment that broke my heart.   There have been many tender mercies that I have tried to recognize, but one thing that has been a struggle is simply the weather.   The darkest days of my life were literally the darkest days of the year.   Slowly, little bit by little I know the days will warm and the light will linger a little bit longer each day.   I've heard it is the same with grief.   The quote above from Tensie is an article I found this morning that promises that there are bright days ahead.  

"As you heal, you will find that your thinking is clearer/ sharper and your judgement becomes more reliable and you can accomplish more. It is important to take your time, baby steps, as they say. Slow down and take care of yourself."

    Good news... I'm already doing some of the things that she suggested.   

"Journaling is an excellent form of therapy and will help release the many feelings you are experiencing."