The Void

     During the funeral,  the funeral director (who is also a good friend) would turn to me and ask "Are you Ready?"   I remember wanting to scream "No, I'm not ready for this", but knew it wouldn't make a difference.   So several times I just kept going.  The first time when his casket was wheeled from the visitation room into the chapel for what ended up a being beautiful service.   Then again at the end, when it was time to leave the funeral home for the cemetery.   I think then one more time at the gravesite.   Such a difficult question, is anyone ever ready?    

     Over and over for that past few weeks, I've faced moments where I had to move forward whether I was ready or not.   Last week was another big one that I dreaded.   I returned to work full time.   I recognize that one day the structure will be good, but going back to an e-mail box with 500+ emails and huge list of things to do was tough for my brain.  Returning to "normal life" was tough in and of itself.  I tried to play instrumental music in the background to help distract from the quiet, but it often would play songs where I know the words and tears would stream down my face.   I'm very grateful that I'm working from home as I know that tears can be healing but crying with an audience isn't always easy.  

     However, one huge blessing last week was in the form of a sweet young woman.   She has been part of our life for the past five years and would come over and clean our kitchen.   It was such a burden lifted.    I was blessed to spend most of last month with family, who have been and will be a huge support.   But last week as I faced being at home... alone, I wasn't sure what to do.   But she was an answer to prayers and reached out asking if I'd like her to come stay.   The day I returned home I spent time with an amazing friend who also has had a difficult year.   As I turned into the alley, my heart sunk when I realized I'd need to shovel the snow.   But Chris already had that taken care of as well.   Years ago some neighbors asked him if there was anything they could do to help.  His reply... "Do you think you could keep the driveway shoveled when it snows? I want Michelle to be able to come and go from work." When I figured out which neighbor who had performed the sweet act of service their words touched me.   "He was so in love with you and concerned your day to day. We will keep it up for you and in his memory as often as we can."  There have been numerous friends and family who have reached out and helped me feel no so alone.  

    When I somehow managed to I survive the week, I got to Friday and realize ugg... what the heck am I going to do this weekend.   I used to look forward to the weekends as they were the best times to be with my sweetheart.   But now, the are yet another void to be filled.   Luckily I reached out to good friends and they helped fill my time.  

     This week has been filled with it's own ups and downs.   I recently started sleeping with a weighted blanket.   This morning when I woke up, it was bundled to the side of me instead of falling off by my feet how it normally does.   With it right beside me, I woke up thinking it was my sweetheart snuggled next to me and for a brief moment that the previous weeks were just a horrible nightmare.   But then reality sunk in.   Waking up to the reality each morning that he's gone is tough.   

    This week I've thought a lot about where I am now and trying to understand the process of grieving, mourning, or lamenting.  Trying to learn what each words means and also what to expect.   Too deep of a topic I think for my weary brain at this point. 

     I came across this quote tonight and love in how it explains grieving.   A month ago my life completely shattered into pieces.   Along with it my hopes, and dreams as well as worries and fears for the future.   Now I face a blank slate for a future.   It's pretty much terrifying.   A journey of self discovery to figure out who I am now that I'm a no longer a wife or caregiver to my sweetheart.   Who the heck am I without my better half?   It's going to take time and patience, that's for sure.   

    Right now it's too hard to think much beyond tomorrow.  So the main thing I'm focusing on is patience with myself.   Rome wasn't built in a day right?